omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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