what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
