Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
