i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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