u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
