Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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