Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
