P.S. I can't hear my feet
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
