Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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