I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
