Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
