my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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