Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
