It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
