I need to stop coming to work sober
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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