she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
