2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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