I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
