home. puking in laundry basket.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
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