haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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