Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
