a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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