I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
