Well now I have my semen on her headphones
where are you?
Hypothermia
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
