We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
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