if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
