Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I think i peed on brittanys purse
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
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