I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
So many bounce houses so little time
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
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