The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I would ride that face into the sunset
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
