after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
