i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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