Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Couch. On fire.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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