you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
