i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
you had me at cake vodka
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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