he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
