Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
