bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
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