Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
