White coat. Heels.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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