im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
You took a bar mat shot.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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