exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
