I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
