Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
