What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
a search helicopter?!
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Drunk is not a location!
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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