i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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