do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
