The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
