How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
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