Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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