Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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