All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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