Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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