i need an iv and a liver transplant
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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