Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
