I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
