i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Randomize
