The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
