I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
